Chapter 4: Astrology

Many groups have used astrology throught human history. We have identified this practice as originating with the ancient Gnushk, a tribe of proto-humans with the first six word language (all other tribes at the time used five or fewer). The Gnushk were the first to create a calendar to predict the seasons. Building upon their work, the Aloonda used a similar system to interpret the seasons and stars as messages from their gods.

We now know their gods were all fake, but that doesn't stop the science of Astrology from having real and meaningful impact on everyday life. This result was first discovered by Louie Honuie Astrologie, the frenchman the science is named after. At the time, 'Astrology' was retempleted to fit with the other studies of natural philosophy, such as geology (the study of geodes) and medicology (the study of plauge doctors).

CHAPTER 4.1: First Real Discoveries, The Horoscope

In 14921, Louise uncovered a correlation between his horoscope for the day and what he did that day. He tested this correlation further by first not reading his horoscope until the end of the day, after he had already gone about his daily activities. The horoscope was accurate nearly 15% of the time across the one week study.

He then tried reading the horoscope at the beginning of the day, and found that his week aligned much more with the predictions. This experimental result has been repeated often, and hence all serious Hypothetical Physicists read their horoscope at the beginning of the day. If you, reader, want to become a serious Hypothetical Physicist, you must also commit to this practice.

As Hypothetical Physicists, we must commit nearly all our brain power to hypothetical physics. This means very little time for other matters2. In order to preserve it while still creating a new horoscope every single day, several markov chain programs have been created, one for each horoscope3.

  1. This year is more commonly known for other, blue ocean related, historical events.
  2. You may also desire to consult more than one horoscope each day, but be warned. They do not average out! If you read a catastrophic horoscope, reading a 'better' one won't help. It also wastes time (reading one horoscope is not a waste of time, but two is).
  3. Saggitarius is especially acurcurate, at well above p = 0.05.

Chapter 4.2: Star Signs

Although the longest used method of Astrology, it has also been the most controversial. Because the stars are so far away1, they often have less influence than people would like, and hence it can be hard to prove any sort of impact empirically. We must, in cases like this, discount all evidence that would prove that Astrology does not work, as obviously it does2, and instead rely on feelings to verify that star signs are a valid form of Astrology3.

TODO elaborate on this

  1. At least four miles (see Chapter 8 on Astronomy).
  2. Proof left as an exercise to the reader, it should not take more than an $8.5 \times 11$ sheet, a pencil, and a few candles under the moonlight.
  3. As I write this chapter, Jupiter is in retrograde, which makes it one of the most consise and impactful in the book.

Chapter 4.3: Crystal Balls

Crystal balls are often not immediately recognizable as being at all related to Astrology. This is because they are being kept from you by the Astrology elite. Have you ever seen a crystal ball in a thrift store? I haven't, not even in Portland, OR. You will most likely have to manufacture your own to follow along with this section1.

Crystal balls are of course related very tightly to Astrology. First, there's the shape. Most planets would work as excellent crystal balls, if only they were translucent. Second, crystal balls are translucent, meaning that light can't pass through without switching polarization (hence the prefix 'trans'). All stars produce highly polarized light (Chapter 8.3 - Stars), and crystal balls can use this light to predict the future. The actual mechanisms behind this are too complex for an intruductory textbook, but a simplified explaination is as follows.

The internal structure of a cloudy crystal ball is perfect for fitting to the strings that make up the fabric of reality. Polarized light will travel through the translucent crystal, shifting polarization, until it travels along one of the boundaries between crystals, where the photons cause vibrations in the multidimensional strings that 'echo' off the future, reflecting back to be interpreted by a skilled reader.

This 'echo' is why fortune telling with crystal balls is often done by candle light, as the flickering light produces a constantly shifting view of the future. This can give a more clear view, similar to how humans percieve depth with binocular vision.

  1. Instructions are in this chapter's appendix